i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
