I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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