i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
