he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
