Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize