She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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