Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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