i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
