Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
