I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize