Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
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