please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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