I'm jealous of your bromance
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
MIDGETS
????
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
