I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
