I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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