True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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