Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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