bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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