i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
so let's talk penis.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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