Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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