I wish my penis had an off switch
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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