dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
