why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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