he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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