Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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