i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
