just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
