I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
