it wasn't lemon gatorade
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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