Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
