you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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