I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
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