One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
