Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So much rum. So many feels.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
