You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
