last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Boobs speak an international language.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
