I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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