it wasn't lemon gatorade
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
