If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize