Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
