Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
There r osticjed everywhere
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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