She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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