i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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