Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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