2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
My balls are so social today.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
