you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
