new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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