Im at strip club and am horny
Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
