How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
