In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
