but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
