I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
