she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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