I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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