Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
