Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
