I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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