sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
