So gin and wine won't be happening again
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
