I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
My bed smells like the plague
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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