her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
