he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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