well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
