i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
