The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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