I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
