Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
high people should be assigned attendants
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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