Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
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